Jennifer Cantwell

“Aan di vi kaali, jaan di vi kaali*: a Queer tragedy in six parts.

*Punjabi phrase meaning impatient to come, impatient to go.

This is my self portrait seen through the people I love, the places that give me peace, and things that bring me joy. I am a mom. There are no grand events, no vacations with beautiful vistas, only moments to seek out in between the banal of the everyday. I have labor and care, day in and day out. My time is not my own. These photographs are part of my effort to find joy in the little things so as not to miss it all waiting for something special to happen. It is all special and the joy is in there if you look hard enough. Joy is the pride in a kid’s eyes when they learn how to do something new, a meal that comes out especially good, finally finding the bottom of the laundry pile. This is a curation of my life, in the small moments, and for once I get to choose what it is, at least for 1/60th of a second.

This is also a story of love and loss, of building a family and losing it, watching it as it falls apart; losing it to shame, culture, distance, and the pressures of being a queer family in a world that does not want us to exist. It asks the question ‘what does it mean to be a mother?’, especially when you are not a birth mother and the world doesn’t recognize you as one. It is about seeing and being seen; seeing my world for what it is and making the best of it, hoping that someday I will be seen for who I am, valued for what I do, without the condition of perfection.”